Ten Reasons to Leave Egypt (and One Pharaoh Who Disagreed)

A Very Slightly Rewritten Account of the Exodus, in Which Everyone Is Tired and Most Things Go Poorly

In the beginning, the Hebrews were just a quiet group of immigrants living peacefully in a suburb called Goshen, which - like most suburbs - was mostly sand, silence, and occasional sheep. Egypt tolerated them until a new Pharaoh came to power. This Pharaoh, whose main qualifications for office appeared to be dramatic eyeliner and selective amnesia, “did not know Joseph,” which is biblical shorthand for “decided to be awful.”

He looked around, noticed a demographic trend he didn’t like, and muttered the words every despot eventually says: “Let’s enslave them before they get ideas.” And thus, brick quotas were invented. The Hebrews groaned. God heard. Moses, meanwhile, was having a perfectly average life in Midian, trying to avoid destiny, when a bush spontaneously combusted and started giving him instructions.

A lesser man might have screamed. Moses negotiated.

After a lengthy argument in which Moses tried to excuse himself on the grounds of public speaking anxiety, lack of influence, and general discomfort with confrontation, God sent him to Egypt anyway - armed with a shepherd’s stick, a brother named Aaron, and a divine grudge.

And thus began the Ten Plagues, the greatest escalation of divine irritation since the invention of smiting.

1. Blood: All the water turned red. The Nile, bathtubs, probably even the squash soup. Fish died. Egyptians complained. Pharaoh rolled his eyes.

2. Frogs: Amphibians everywhere. In ovens, beds, pockets. Pharaoh begged for relief. Moses prayed. Frogs died. Pharaoh changed his mind.

3. Lice: Dust turned into itchy micro-menaces. The magicians gave up. Pharaoh didn’t.

4. Flies: So many. So buzzing. So disgusting. Pharaoh said go. Then said stay.

5. Pestilence: Egyptian livestock suddenly became former livestock.

6. Boils: Everyone developed an unasked-for skincare condition. Painful. Gross. Pharaoh remained firm, like a particularly stubborn pimple.

7. Hail: Fire hailed down from the sky. This made no meteorological sense. Egyptians started reading the fine print in their insurance.

8. Locusts: They ate everything. Pharaoh briefly considered letting the Hebrews go, but changed his mind when the wind shifted.

9. Darkness: Three days of total blackout. Existential dread. Cats walked into walls. Pharaoh still said no.

10. Death of the Firstborn: The final blow. At midnight, every Egyptian household mourned. Pharaoh, broken, finally said, “Go. Just... go.”

The Hebrews (Bnei Israel) didn’t wait. They couldn’t. Dough was rising, sandals were being laced, bags half-packed, and a mysterious holiday called “Passover” was being invented on the fly. The instructions were clear: eat fast, don’t leaven, smear blood on your door like it’s a divine VIP pass.

And so, amid chaos, weeping, and very stressed baking, the people left—free but confused, encumbered by gold, goats, and great-grandmothers shouting, “Did you remember the matzah?!”

Behind them, Pharaoh changed his mind (again, possibly out of habit), mounted his chariot, and gave chase.

Before them lay the Red Sea.

Behind them, an army.

Somewhere in the middle: a nation newly liberated, suddenly lactose intolerant, and about to learn that freedom usually arrives with blisters.

To be continued…?